PPD, PND

Every once in awhile something happens.Something unexpected, that could change the paradigm you live in forever. It could be something wonderful, like getting married. Or it could be something devastating like a bereavement. Whatever it is, its one of those moments when time stands still and you are face to face with a different kind of future. The New Testament calls events like these "kairos".

Zoë arrived early in a way that kind of seemed prophetic about her personality. Understated, but definite; straightforward and assured. She was so quick and so there that it seemed strange to think that she was new. The moment she rested on my chest, all covered in goo, she had always been. After the euphoria came the inevitable come down, the baby blues. Except this time, they seemed to linger. The temporary blues, became a heavy grey blanket that slowly began to unfold and then cover me, surround me, even consume me. Without warning, everyday functional tasks were insurmountable, impossible. I was afraid, uncertain and unconfident. Covered and smothered in grey.

Time stood still. Chronologically the days continued, of course. There were shades of grey days, very dark days, glimpses of light days. But time, kairos time, stood still.

And there... in that kairos, God met me.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.

He met me in our doctor, a gentle man, a great listener. He met me in the diagnosis - post - partum depression (or post natal if you are English). He met me in my prescription. I remember leaving the doctor's office feeling relieved; it was the first thing that had made sense to me in weeks. He met me in my husband in whose ears he whispered months before to tell him this would happen, and prepared him in advance. He met me in friends who asked if I was OK, and then didn't ask but just helped me do stuff. He met in the counselor that the doc advised that I found. He met me in a sermon on Luke 5 that Paul Sorensen preached on the paralysed man. He met me in 29th Chapter's version of Tim's song "When Silence Falls" that was on repeat in my car for a month. He met me on my own. He met me in my gorgeous girls, and in the fact that through it all I never felt disconnected from them. Not for a second. It was a gift and I was grateful.

He met me with fresh new words to old stories, old memories, old wounds. He met me as a mum, he met me as his daughter. And as time stood still, he set me free.

This was not the first time God has moved in my life, not by any stretch. Nor did it make me question the authenticity of our relationship before. Had I been faking it? No, of course not. I do think though, that I underestimated what this phase of life would bring to the surface. I was aiming to get here for so long that I guess I never thought about that!!! And I didn't need to think about it. I'm just glad that now I am here, He is still here, holding my time in his hands.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.

Once in awhile something unexpected happens. It could be good, it could be awful. It could happen in a moment, or like this (kairos) be a journey. And it can change how you see things forever. Because God - God is there.

God. God is here.

Work It

I've started writing for a Blog for working mums called Work It. Check it out!

Or is it just my imagination....running away with me?

I was on my hands and knees, mopping up a spontaneus projectile offering from Zoe this evening. Suddenly the thought came to me

"Well nobody prophesied stuff like this back in the day!"

I would have laughed out loud, but Zoe was trying to sleep, and seeing as sleep is a precious thing, I was not prepared to risk it.


Its true though isn't it? When you get the prophetic words, when you have a vision for the future, when you dream dreams, make plans it doesn't include this. It doesn't include loneliness and boredom, changing diapers/nappies, sick kids,putting in the hours to get somewhere professionally, wondering how to pay the bills, sleepless nights and weight gain!

Well of course it doesn't. But even though we know that, it hasn't stopped us feeling a little bit confused at times.

Its weird isn't it, when everyday life can make you feel a little disappointed, guilty, or even like you've failed or aren't spiritual, radical, whatever, enough. It all feels so... ordinary.


So what went wrong - is it wrong to dream? to hope for something more? Maybe our expectations are too high?

I keep coming back to my school days - when I was told I could be anything I wanted to be. To the conferences I went to as a young 'un or a young adult which promised that "this will be the generation who were going to turn the world upside down for Jesus..."

Were they wrong to say that? Should they have said something along the lines of

"99.9 % of you will live average ordinary lives. You will settle, have families. If you're lucky one of your kids will sleep through the night before they are 10. You will spend the toddler years knee deep in poop, vomit and laundry. You will have a pretty average body, unless you succumb to cosmetic enhancement. You will not be famous, your ideas no matter how interesting will not be known. You'll fit your talents in where you can. You'll work hard, and have a decent life. And you'll be happy if you will allow yourself to be."

Is too much energy is wasted on wanting to be the the 0.01%?

Yet there has got to be a place for a vision for a new day. You need that prophetic voice which looks at slavery and sees injustice, that looks at segregation and says I have a dream. The Israelites needed the prophets throughout their history pointing to a better day. I've needed prophetic voices, visionary dreams, dare I say it - raw ambition, to stretch me, encourage me and push me towards life beyond settling for the status quo.

I think what I am learning is that perhaps I need to stay aware of what I bring to the table when I hear those prophetic voices, when I dream. Like the personal brokenness I bring to the table that cries out for recognition and seeks to heal itself from time to time. When I was at school being told I could be anything. I imagined fame and recognition because I was 14 and Bros were singing about being famous. Now I know it was my way of feeling like somebody special, the antidote to feeling like nobody special.

I also need to stay aware of how influenced I am by my culture, which has made a TV genre out of making ordinary people wealthy superstars overnight, often for doing very little. Reality TV is great when you remember that its just entertainment.

There's got to be a place for the impossible dream. Maybe the challenge is embracing reality alongside it. There's a lot to be said for wanting what we already have....

Woman 2 Woman

I've been doing a lot of things with "just us girls" recently.

There was the book stuff, then the women's retreat. And most recently, Woman 2 Woman. It's a Bible Study thingy for women which Kandi and Lizzy started a few weeks back. As I watched the women, talking, laughing, crying, praying, it made me realise just how important girl time is in this stage of life.
When I was younger I found women's events not a little surreal. I appreciated the fact that all the songs were in a key that didn't require a harmony or an Adam's apple, but a lot of what I saw "just wasn't me" (Hmmm.I think what I was actually saying was that these events were not going to help me find a man, and so were irrelevant).

But now I just love these things. Perhaps now, I appreciate what I took for granted in my twenties. Adult conversation. Time. Space. Fun. The power of enduring friendship through thick and thin. So now I revel in the opportunity for a Nogales road trip. A couple of hours in Starbucks, or Common Grounds. A long distance phone call, or MSN chat. A chance to stop to breathe to .... anything. And these women's Bible studies, retreats etc - are a chance to stop and be with God and share God with one another. It's like time is suspended for a minute. Or at least the mundane is, or the crazy busyness, or whatever. Whatever.

Gathering with other women (single, married, younger, older, with kids, or kid free) like we've done in the past weeks has been healing, liberating, entertaining. I return to the family refreshed, inspired, ready (and full of ideas from my girls).
Life with 2 kids revealed to me just how much I need my village. How much we need each other.

So to the ladies out there (especially some of my Sheffield girls): Join a group, start a group, find time, make time. Make is social, make it spiritual. Just make it happen! And if you ever get the chance to get away for a weekend, retreat together, hang with each other, and God ... go for it.

The Kids Are Alright

The Saxton Quartet has spent the past few days with our interns, Year Team whatever we call 'em - with Tye, Ryan, Shaina and Nicole - who have been doing a year out thing. We've been at the lovely Bison Ranch (though the bison seem to have gone for a long walk) and are staying in fab log cabins.

Tia and Zoe love the gang. Tia has been teaching them some dance moves from The Wiggles Live DVD (no I've not got her off the Wiggles yet; this too shall pass). She bursts into song or squeals of delight just for the sheer fun of hanging out with everybody. Tia's not shy with any of them so talks to them non stop. If only they understood what she was saying...

Zoe has decided to give the gang the honour of letting them hold her until she sleeps. She seems to love Ryan's beard....
Every so often I see Ryan or Tye gazing at one of the girls sleeping. It's very sweet.

Our little retreat to Bison Ranch was for the purpose of spending time with the Year Teamers as their year out comes to a close. We've reviewed their year with them, encouraged them(not hard they are all amazing) and enjoyed them.

Its a mind blowing privilege to be involved in someone's life, to share their highs and lows, their tears and all that not so good stuff. It's great to see them overcome their obstacles and begin to take off.
It's also mind blowing to think that 10 - 15 years ago I was in their position. Looking at people in their 30's, thinking they were old, but had it all together, knew what life was all about. Somewhere since that time the baton got handed over and its our turn to run the lap as leaders and mentors and nurturers, mothers and fathers. Now our testimonies give hope for the future, we are somehow the evidence that it is worth it. Now its time to be as hands on and involved as people have been with me. People did more than mentor me, they invested in me, parented me. It was not a couple of hours a week, they opened up their lives and invited me in, without a time frame. Am I ready to do the same - now that I am more aware of the sacrifices it involves?

I'm glad God never asked me if I was ready for this, or if I was called! I'd be too busy looking at my 30's thinking "What the heck?"

Ready or not, here we are. And we love the young adults God has brought into our family. Yes, they're our family now, for as long as they need us. Call it a different kind of blend.

Decompressing

April was quite a month for us. Chris went through the next stage of his ordination stuff, something we'd been on tenderhooks about for months. Now, suddenly we have a clarity that we'd been seeking since August, and suddenly a lot to organize in next to no time. The women's retreat definitely got me thinking about teaching and the like again. Its like I stumbled across a strand of the grace of God in life again, which is something I often miss. Then the girls got sick which got me thinking about little more than projectile vomit. Then it wasn't long before they got better and we got sick.....!

I've learned (generally the hard way!) that times like these, when I've felt unusually weak, unusually pressured,unusually blessed, unusually stretched are often 'thin places' for me - where the kingdom of heaven is at hand, within reach, should I only turn to God in it all.
So I've sought to hang with God a bit more, to take stock, to reflect, to read a bit, sing a bit, listen some.

And as ever, when I slow down, - physically - mentally - when I slow down so much is clearer. I see things I hadn't noticed, nuances, shapes and shadows to life, that speed and distractions had previously blurred. I see opportunities and warnings, I see wounds and healing. I see blessing after blessing. I see the grace of God. I see God at work. I see.

Confessions of an unfit mother

When I was younger I laughed when people said
"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips"
Maybe for them, but not I, I scoffed to myself. I dont even have hips.
Then I ate my KFC bargain bucket alone.
And as if by magic, nothing changed.
It was great.
When I turned 30 I decided I wanted to be fit and healthy and so I took up running. Loved it and became fit and healthy. I even had clothes taken in. There were no moments on the lips that could not be burned off the following morning.

I glanced at my AZ driver's licence the other day and out of the corner of my eye I saw the weight I was when I entered this county. Granted, I was running every day like a psycho back then, but it was still something of a shock when I did the math to calculate the difference.

In the 3 years since coming to the States, I have had 2 adorable children, a lot of crappy food, and a lot less exercise. I looked in the mirror and I even saw the beginnings of hips, which for me is a thing. Who knows whether to laugh or cry.

So I'm trying to get fit again. Alas its not as easy as putting on my sneaks and taking it to the streets like I did in my Sheffield days. There are 2 little ones to consider, and its Arizona - its already too hot to run by 8am. Then there is the denial that eating certain foods have any effect on me at all. There's also the fact that as much as I want to get in shape, I can't be bothered.
As you can see this is going to be an uphill battle. But I like a good fight so I'm in.
Though I did nearly throw in the towel the other week after swimming, eating well, and doing a bit of treadmill work, only to find that I had lost one measly pound. To me that is worse than losing none.

This time its clearly going to have to be a slow burn, no quick fixes this time. And clearly, no KFC bargain buckets either.

Talent is never enough

I picked up this book at Barnes and Noble and found that I simply couldn't put it down (I forced myself to do so in the end, knowing that shoplifting wasn't the answer and that it would be cheaper on Amazon).
John C Maxwell is a leadership guru type person...

Anyway, the basic premise of the book is that our natural talents can only take us so far on the journey to success. Maxwell contends that though valuable, talent is not the only feature in a success story, but there are also other dynamics, qualities at work, especially in those who have been sucessful for a number of years.

Maxwell lists 13 things - well he referes to them as choices we make...that are important to add to your talents, including,
belief, passion , initiative, responsibility, teachability,teamwork, practice, focus....

I've not finished reading the book yet, but already it has inspired and challenged me in a number of areas in my life. Its a leaderdship book, so it's helping me process stuff regarding , work and calling and the future. But I have found it helpful when I think of my faith, my marriage, and especially parenting. Who knows, maybe I'll stop buying those baby books...

I've always been fascinated by the idea of a person's potential and success, always inspired by the story of achievement against the odds. I've always been captivated by a person's talent and determination.
I think this book speaks to me because it addresses my strengths and my weaknesses. To my strengths it points the way to growing in the things I am good at, honing my craft, developing skills. It challenges me not to be lazy, to do more than "wing it", but that there's more out there.
Yet it also gives hope to my weaknesses in a strangely empowering way. There are many things that I am not naturally good at, but still have to be done! And some of the points raised in the book are helping me find ways to get them done...

I guess after thinking about "life in the promised land" a few posts back, I started looking around for a map to navigate my through this phase of life. Like I said, I've not finished this book yet, but its already given me a few signposts....