Because They're Worth It

Ten days before we moved to the States, I got offered my dream job. I mean like total dream. It was more than a job, it was like an opportunity that would have changed our lives forever. And I knew it wasn't right to take it. I was gutted. And if I wasn't there I wouldn't have believed that the conversation where I said "Thanks but no thanks" actually happened.


In the months that followed, I'd often wondered what that was all about. This wasn't one of those choices that you lay something down and God does an Abraham and Isaac with you; this dream was truly slaughtered! Like Robert Frost, I'd taken a different road and I knew that I wasn't going to see the old way again.
Occasionally I grieved the loss; other times I place huge expectations on our life here, as though Phoenix owed me something special for what I'd given up.

It took awhile to see what I'd gained. One day I tried to imagine what our lives would have been like if we'd taken the other road. I could see financial security, fun, endless opportunities . The negatives were harder to see! It was hard to imagine the cost.

Then I noticed that there was something I couldn't see. Someone. Someones. I couldn't see Tia there. I couldn't see Zoe. I would have had to have delayed having kids, for awhile. Delayed the sleepless nights, and the nappies, but also the giggles and the first kick, the hugs and the games and the songs.

At that moment my so called loss became my incredible gain. And at that moment my questions and any hint of regret was over. Permanently.

I've not suddenly got all earth motherish - whatever that means. To steal a phrase from my fave mummy blog - I am still totally an Alpha Mum. Juggling the commitments of work and family life like so many of us. Sneaking sweet potato into Tia's pasta sauce, working out talks for a conference. Swaddling Zoe AGAIN, planning future writing projects. Dreaming big dreams, attending to the little details of everyday life. Living with ambition and the mundane! Feeling elation, exhaustion, boredom, and excitement all in the same hour.Longing for adult conversation, missing my kids like crazy. Wanting to lose myself in idyllic stereotypes of motherhood.Wanting to find my mind, my figure and my individuality.
Exploring the landscape of being a wife and mum, a Christian, a woman, a leader, a friend. And accepting that I'm learning and will make mistakes even in the places that I am most desparate not to.

And maybe most importantly for me - embracing the fact that life is not something that one day is going to happen, but the journey i am on right now. Life? This is it.

I grew up determined to realise my "potential". But potential is far broader than I thought it was, in work, and professional achievements and financial gain. So now I'm realising it when I teach Tia a new word, or get Zoe to sleep, equipping them for life in ways that are far more substantial than an event or a task accomplished.
Maybe potential is realised best not when you achieve something for yourself, but when its invested in others, enabling others...

In a bid to bury the cult of the yummy mummy ( see earlier post), Times columnist Rachel Johnson wrote
"I do think that once you’ve given birth, you pass the baton. Becoming a mother is nature’s way of calling attention to the next generation, not the current one."

I think she's right. Because they're worth it.